Welcome to our life

Just in case you were wondering its about 101 deg today and im freezing in my office! Now dont be confused people im so THANKFUL to the man or WOMAN that invented the wonderful AC, but do we really have to keep it on 70 or below all day?  I know ive gained a few pounds butt geez I dont have on a winter coat here.  Lets do everyone a favor and turn that thermostat up! I think i can feel the icicles forming on my nose.   :) OY VAY! 

Beauty from Ashes

Its a been a rough 5 years. Between getting pregnant moving back in with my parents at the age of 22 and then getting pregnant again by another man, I never thought I'd be where I am today.  My heart was hard and I was bitter at people that had hurt me throughout my life. I swore I wouldn't let it happen again.  My sons dad was the main person I truly hated.  He was a drunk and chose alcohol over his family. That's when I left.  I left and never looked back, never tried to get in touch with him, never called to let him know he had a son. NOTHING!  I was ok with not having him in my life.  Or so I thought.  Like I said I met another man who was my gym trainer and we ended up dating.  WHY? I have no idea I blame it on boredom and stupidity.  I should've known something was up because he never had money, he had zero pics of his family, never talked about his parents or where he was from.  He told me he was adopted and I never had any reason not to believe him.  He said he was in the military and had the scars to prove it, so why would I question anything about him?  We moved in together and started drinking heavily.  The one thing I left my sons father for I somehow ended up becoming.  I remember one night of drinking vaguely, we got home from a club and when I woke up I was in a cold shower.  This so called man put me in a shower to try and wake me up and after I didn't he didn't know what to do so he left me there.  Not knowing if I'd wake up he went to bed.  It was alcohol poisoning!  That didn't stop me though I continued to drink and do my own thing.  We weren't together very long when I found out I was pregnant yet again .  GO me!  I was so heart broken when he told me to get an abortion and that there was no way he wanted this child.  I told him no, I wouldn't ever do that and if he wanted to leave he could (see a pattern)... It wasn't too long after finding out I was pregnant that one random night he told me to get out of his house.  It was about 12am and he hadn't come to bed yet so I went and asked if he would be coming to bed any time soon.  he said no and told me to go get his pillow.  Now if you know me I come from a very sarcastic family so my response to him was "you can at least say please".  He wasn't laughing and he became angry and told me to leave.  My son was 18 months at the time and asleep.  I asked if he was serious to which he said if we didn't get out he was going to call the police.  I ended up calling my dad and older brother who came to pick us up.  I remember thinking that this was all a dream, this was a joke and it wasn't a funny one.  In the following days I tried so hard to make it work giving it all I had and then some but it was never enough.  I came to realization that it just wasn't going to work and I couldn't put my son and soon to be child in that kind of environment.  The last time I saw him he was yelling at me calling me every name in the book as I walked with my son to my vehicle.  The last image I have of him is him on the patio screaming and yelling.  The next couple weeks were hell.  He would call/ text me all day and night saying heartbreaking things about my unborn child and praying that I would lose the child.  After him telling me that he hopes I lose the child and flush it down the toilet I couldn't take it anymore and got rid of any kind of connection he had to me.  My phone, friends, Facebook etc...  I decided to just forget being in any kind of relationship while I was pregnant and in that time I became very depressed.  I remember being at my moms and locking myself in the bathroom and not coming out for at least an hour.  I stood there and just stared at myself at the person I had become.  I was a single mom and didn't see anything worth living for, not even the child inside of me.  I remember laying down on the floor and weeping.  The knocks started to come and my parents asking if I was ok to which I didn't  respond.  I was done. I didn't want to go on.  My dad ended up having to take the door off the hinge and both parents came in and saw me there.  I thought I was at my lowest but apparently I wasn't quite there yet.  (Crazy I know).  I stayed busy with my son and doctor appointments.  I found out it was a girl, but knew that from the very beginning.  I prayed that she would never feel the hurt I had through out life and still do to this day.  Not only for my daughter but also for my son.  So there I was a single mom of 2 from 2 different men.  Who would have thought that Kathleen Lucero, a girl raised in church whose grandpa was a pastor and taught me differently would be "that girl"???  As the time went on I decided that being single was probably for the best, who would want to date or marry a woman with 2 kids from 2 different men anyway??  I went back to work after my daughter was born and put both kids in daycare.  Thankfully they loved it but my bank account was not happy.  I did my best to provide all I could for my kids and still do to this day but as many people know money does not grow on trees.  I remember driving my son to daycare, he was about to turn 4 and I was tired of everything.  I felt so alone.  My son started asking questions about who his daddy was and when we would go to the store he would see a son and dad together and say I don't have a dad mom.  I would cry every time...  I never wanted my kids to know what that meant.  But kids are smart and they know and understand a lot more than we think.  After I dropped my son off at "school" I remember listening to KLOVE and a song came on talking about forgiveness and it was at that moment I let it all go.  I remember feeling so free.  A couple mnths went by and I felt God telling me to get in touch with my sons fathers sisters.  I reached out on Facebook to his younger sister who was busy with her own life so I prayed and God said his older sister.  I got in touch with her and began to start a relationship.  At the time my kids dad had a bench warrant out for his arrest and the following Monday he was arrested at the court house while trying to pay on his court fines.  God works in mysterious ways.  His older sister let me know he had been arrested and was not sure how he would be getting out because his bail was so high.  It was set at 10k then raised to 20k.  The DA was not his biggest fan. My dad came in my room one night and said I think if you have anything to say to him you need to do it now, because we aren't sure what is going to happen when he goes before the judge (the following day).  I typed out an email but was scared to send it.  The next morning I woke up around 5am and went and let my mom read it.  She asked if I was going to send it to which I responded I don't know.  This decision would change my life and not only mine, but my kids.  I sat there trying to figure it all out and remember God saying I've brought you this far and my plan is not to harm you nor forsake you.  I pushed send.  At that moment I knew there was no turning back.  The next couple days were the longest days too say the least. I emailed a pastor friend of our family who said he would get him the letter after he went to court. after court they put him back in the cell and told our pastor friend he could read him the letter but could not give it to him.. What I would've given to be a fly on the wall.  Dusty(pastor friend) said as he was reading him the letter he broke down and began sobbing like nobody he had ever seen before.  Ill attach the email so nobody gets confused.  He told dusty he didn't know what to do because he was in jail and had no way of getting out.  Dusty told him he needed to get on his knees and pray like he'd never prayed before and that God has mercy.  By the grace of God his bail was paid. He got out on a Thursday night.  I planned on making a trip down to see him and let his son meet him that weekend whether he was in jail or not.  He text me saying he was out of jail, I called him and talked to him for about 2 minutes.  Not much to say to someone you don't really know anymore and haven't seen in 4 years.  He asked if I was really coming down to see him and if I would be bringing my son.  I said yes and that we would be in town that Saturday morning.  I was nervous to say the least.  In those few days he stayed sober and didn't use.  That was huge!  He told me he knew if he had used or started drinking just a little bit he wouldn't have met his son. TRUTH!  We got in to town around 4am and I called to let him know we were in town and were going to go sleep for a few hours (kids had other plans).  He said ok.. I prayed that if this was right there would be an instant connection only God could give not only with my son but with my daughter.  As the morning went on we decided to get ready and go meet him at his sisters.  He was sitting out on the porch when we got there, I told him to stay on the porch for a minute so I could get the kids out without them getting confused.  I got my son out and he just stood there.  His dad didn't know what to say and all he did was smile.   We just stood there not really knowing what to say so, being the blunt person I am I looked at my son and said this is your daddy son.  To which he looked so confused.  he had no idea what I was talking about.  My daughter came around and wasn't sure what was going on.  Like I said before I prayed that if this was meant to be there would be an instant connection.  His dad asked if he wanted to go swimming and what 3 year old doesn't like swimming.  We went to the back yard and there was a huge pool.  I was a little nervous about it to be honest.  Before they got in the pool he found truck sand was playing with the trucks as his dad and I talked.  This whole time I never stopped loving him.  He was the Love of my life.  We talked small talk as my mom watched both the kids playing with the trucks.  My mom later told me that she talked with my son and explained it a little better that this man was his daddy!  He was so excited!!  All of the sudden my son yelled over to us and said "HEY DADDY CAN WE GO SWIMMING?"  That was the beginning of a beautiful relationship of daddy and son.  Lets not forget my daughter was here also.  She was 1 at the time and like I told you before she didn't (still doesn't) know anything about her father.  in the following months we would visit every two weeks.  As the weeks went by he stayed sober and I stayed single focusing on my kids and them meeting their daddy. (yes I said their ).  September rolled around, it had been about a month or so and we felt God was telling us to get married.  Some people think its crazy but I think its beautiful.  I always prayed that if I was to be married that it would happen over night and that's exactly how it happened.  He asked my dad for permission to which my parents said they'd have to think about it. It was a Saturday night that he asked, and at about 10PM my dad called and told him to meet him outside and that they were going for a drive.  They left and me and the kids went to bed.  He got home around 1am and was then gone again at 6am.  I knew something was up but didn't wake up to ask.  My parents had said yes but I wasn't sure how this was going to work since we had church that morning.  We ended up having a very small ceremony after church.  I was leaving the next day to go back to Colorado but we weren't legit until we got a marriage license.  We went to the state fair that night after our wedding to have some fun and relax.  The next day was Monday and we had to get the papers to make us Legit.  when we went to the court house they told us we would have to re do our vows since we didn't have our marriage license the day before when we actually did our wedding.  Thankfully we live in a small town and the pastor was easy to find.  Our witnesses were my little brother Jake, and the locksmith in town Dan.  It was something ill never forget that's for sure.   I wouldn't have done it any other way.   Our wedding anniversary is September 22, 2013.  And the drive that my dad took my husband on was to find a ring for me at 10pm.  Some of you may be asking about my daughter and how she responded or how my husband responded to her.  Well he treats her no different and if you weren't reading this you would never know any different.  She is his princess and he loves both HIS kids more than anything.  God is Good and so Faithful!  There is so much more to "Our Story" but this is should give you all a better understanding of who we are and what we have been through to make it to where we are today.  Be blessed.

This is our first Christmas as a family!  December 2013  Terry, Kat, Titus and DaVianna!!

I will choose Daily!

WOW!  Ive never had my eyes opened so wide in my life.  I just listened to a two part word from Beth Moore,  on security.  I  know there are things in my life that i am very insecure about, but i never really acknowledged them or really dealt with them. I realize and see now that if I want to have security i have to let the Spirit renew my thoughts and attitudes.  For those of you that know me this is not an easy change for me. I'm one of the most stubborn people i know.  I realize I've used passed relationships as a crutch and because of that, and the insecurity's I have due to those relationships, I have not fully trusted anyone. Beth talked about walking in security and making a choice daily to do so. None of us will walk in security by accident, it is a daily choice for yourself!  This was part one and I plan on listening to part two on Monday.
Its been a rough beginning of the week/year and this word is just what I needed to make it through. I see now that in order for any of my relationships to work, whether it be with a man, my friends, my kids, or family I have to walk in security and trust that God will be walking with me.  For those of you that know me, you know this will not be easy for me, so if you're reading this please keep me in your prayers whenever or if I ever come to mind.  This is a new beginning for me and I cant wait to see where it leads!

My first TRUE Love Bug...

Ok so i figured id give this whole blog thing a try and see how it all turns out. After all its a good way to save memories for my kiddos of what they were like or thigs they said or did when they were small...
First off let me tell you a little about me aka Mama Bear. I first became a mom to my son Titus David  back in 2009! He was the best birthday present ever... yes folks he was born on my birthday, November 20th! I remember every little detail about that day which i guess is weird because most moms say they dont remember anything about it. It was a sunny day, I had a doctor appointment and it was my actual due date, November 19th. My mom had the day off for whatever reason, probably because I was due that day. Anyways my appointment was late morning around 10ish. my doc checked to see if I was even dialated and to my surprise i was at a whopping 1cm!! WOW! not very exciting if you ask me I wanted the kid out already. My doc, her name was trish, told me i would probably be back later that night, to which i laughed and said ya right. Little did i know she knew better than I did.
After my appointment My mom and I decided to go get some lunch and get some shopping done, seeing as we weren't having a baby today. After we ate we hit up the Goodwill to see if we could find anything good. To be honest i dont really remember looking at anything or even buying anything.  I ended up having to go to the bathroom and and what do you know, right there in the middle of Goodwill shopping my contractions started! I think i visited the bathroom about 5-6 times(thankfully it was clean) while we were there and finally after the last time i told my mom we needed to leave. Like I said before I dont remember her buying anything which probably looked suspicious considering we had been looking around for quite awhile and I kept visiting the bathroom.
We Finally made it home! I decided to lay down and try to relax before calling the doctor. I didnt want to call unless it was for real this time. Around 7p.m. the REAL contractions started but stubborn me still would not call my doctor. I eneded up working through the pain of being in labor until 11p.m. My mom is the one that actually called and told the doc it was time. We left my house for the hospital about ten minutes after calling the doctor and when we arrived the door they told us to go in was LOCKED!!! I ve never been so frustrated in my life! Luckily there was a man walking out so when he came out i waddled my way in. There was supposed to be a wheel chair waiting at the door but what do ya know... NOTHING! I waddled like a penguin to the elevator and up we went. When we got out of the elevator my mom decided to call the maternity ward at the hospital and told them i needed a wheel chair. I ended up walking most of the way, which was probably a good thing at the time but, im pretty sure that was the longest hallway Ive ever had to walk. They finally met me at the entrance of the maternity ward with the wheel chair which was kind of pointless now that I think about it.
Anyways, They checked me in and off to a room I went to lay there and wait...and wait...and wait. My water never broke! My contractions were getting stronger and stronger but I didnt want to get my epidural until the pain was unbearable so they gave me a tranquilizer to take the edge off.  Little did I know what this tranquilizer would do. As soon as they put it in my IV I honestly felt drunk. Everything was spinning and it took everything i had to lay there. I was out before to long thank goodness, but apparently I was so out of it that when i passed out i was talking and laughing. To who? my mom of course... LOL... she just sat there and laughed at me she said. I do remember dreaming about santa clause and for some odd reason we all lived in tea cups! weird I know.  I slept a few hours which felt great, but now i was getting hungry... I couldnt eat until after I had the little guy and the last time i ate was lunch with my mom.
I ended up having to get my epidural at about 8 am the next morning, which was my birthday November 20th. I had to get it, if I didnt get it when i did, they werent sure when I was going to be able to get it. After I got the epidural everything slowed down! more like everything stopped! Honestly i was ready to go home, nothing was happening. We sat/layed there for what seemed like forever! nothing to do nowhere to go... talk about BORING!!!
After what seemed like an eternity, it was time!! I made a promise to myself that I would not be in labor for 24 hours and I was gonna stick to that promise if it was the last thing i did.  I was kind of nervous to have a child of my own to be honest. I knew once he was out I would have a huge responsibilily and i questioned if I was ready for that or not... Regardless of whether i was ready or not he was ready and well on his way! The doc told me when i felt pressure to push, not gonna lie I layed there through the pressure for awhile and kind of gave myself a pep talk in my head, telling myself I was ready for this!
I finally started pushing and after about 10-15 minutes He was out!! Ive never been so happy/relieved in my entire life!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!! Titus David weighed 7lbs 15oz and was 21 inches long!
He was and still is PERFECT!